life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
