we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
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