speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
