I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
