Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize