stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
