Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
