my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
