once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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