Christians are straight up FREAKS
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
