I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
