Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He better not be in your backpack
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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