Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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