yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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