Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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