Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Let's get the cat blown out
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
