I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
