I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
