three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
