He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
