1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
