Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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