You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
