strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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