mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
