They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
