Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
