Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
