I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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