So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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