Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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