I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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