Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize