I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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