I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just found a bag of teeth...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
