Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
