Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
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