Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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