I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
