Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
