You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
