Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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