The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
worst night to have a conscience
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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