dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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