I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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