I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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