all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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