Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize