I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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