Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
