We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
