Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
