we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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