You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We are all done wearing pants today
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
