Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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