do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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