o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
zippers are such a cool invention
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
