You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
