I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
